I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
