i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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