Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
