Duck Duck Cougar?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
