i think i scared a bird with my dick
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
