my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
