In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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