Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
