He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
