Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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