I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
