I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
