I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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