all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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