he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize