Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
