so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My balls are so social today.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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