I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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