Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
