Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We got so high we made milksteak
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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