I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
