It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
nutella sex= disaster
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm having to shit out rocks
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