just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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