her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
