so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
