im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
