please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize