I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Barsexuality is the new black.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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