Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
