I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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