Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
