I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize