Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
