I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
