i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
