1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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