my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
