He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
