i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
