Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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