All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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