wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
