wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
