Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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