I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
