when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sorry about my life...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
