Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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