My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize