Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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