oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
