So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she told me i tasted like america
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
