Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We need a shit load of segways right now
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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