Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize