my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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