i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
