Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize