i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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