I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
