No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
