Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
